May 31, 2016

Dear Orrin,

First of all, I didn't expect you not to realize that the little punched out holes with numbers on one side and letters on the other were a message for you to put together. It kind of makes me laugh that I had to spell it out. But that is okay. Hopefully you appreciate the message when you finish it. Anyway, I guess the services I've been doing for you most frequently the last few days have been massages. I know that you love those! Orrin, I have to tell you that I don't know how you knew it, but somehow all of last week you knew I needed some attention when I got home from work. You came in and cuddled me each day. I especially loved the day I got home a bit early and we ended up cuddling in a kind of circle where you had your head on my leg and I had mine on yours. We fell asleep for a good hour. I didn't realize that you had plans to go bowling before the night session started and I made you miss it. Oops! And you weren't even mad at me. That meant so much!

Even more, I appreciated when you braided my hair last night. My right hand was screaming at me for having painted the fence for something like 6 or 7 hours straight. I didn't want to move it or use it at all. And so you braided my hair before bed. That meant so much to me in the moment.

Anyway, it was really hard for me yesterday when you decided not to go to church again. I know you had an excuse... it was Zack's birthday and so you wanted to do computer games with him all day long.... but I couldn't help but think how you are breaking the very first of the 10 commandments: Thou shalt have no other god before me." When you skip church to play video games, I believe that you are putting the video games above God.

Anyways, telling you why you are wrong isn't going to help anything until you come to it on your own conclusion. But what really hurt me was when people started asking where you were. Before, I have always had an excuse or half truth for you. Like "he is camping/hunting" or the same half truth the week you got home plenty early from hunting to go to church but you just didn't (but I was still able to use that as a half lie... Orrin left for hunting this morning). Anyway, last week was the first time you refused to go without any excuse. Today was the first time that was true that Shaun and Sarah and the family were there.

I held it together better during church this week. Until Shaun and Sarah and then subsequently other church members began asking where you were. The other weeks, I couldn't make it out of the house without crying a ridiculous amount. This week I was doing fine. Until they started asking. "Is Orrin going camping again? Or is he slacking off?" "Where is your husband?" What am I supposed to say? He is skipping out on church so that he can play video games. Oh, and when I get home he isn't going to acknowledge me. And he won't know when I leave to go to a meeting I had been asked to attend for someone who is out of town. And I doubt he realized I came back or that I went to bed. Because he literally was gaming for at least 10 hours straight.

The sad part to me is that you don't even know I have a new calling... 3 callings now (in addition to activity days leader and temple worker). I now will be a nursery leader. I told you that you were going to miss out on something, that I had been asked to do that the week before. And I don't really feel like telling you because I already know what you are going to say: "Eww... gross." That isn't what I need to hear. My first thought when being asked to do that calling was "Oh great, now I have to be an entertainer for everyone else's kids." That and, "Orrin isn't going to support me because he hates kids." That isn't what I need to hear right now which is why I don't feel like I can even tell you. What I need to hear is that that is one of the funnest callings in the church. I'm going to have a blast. I am going to, like the blessing said when I was set apart after church, feel of the light that these children have and that light is the spirit which is going to be able to be brought into my home to help heal us "rapidly."

It worries me how much you hate children. I think it worries me most because I do want children. I worry how your hatred toward them will adversely impact their psyches. I worry about my having to take them to church alone and how that will have been harder for their testimonies than if you actively love God. If God is love, I worry that they will associate you with hatred because you do not have God (and you may not even love them). Lastly, I worry about having children not born in the covenant and how that will change everything. Jonathan and Liesel just had a stillborn but they are sealed, so that priesthood power helps calm all fears about getting to see their baby again. What if you never want to get sealed to me? I don't think that is fair for the children I would want to have. And so because of these fears, right now I am not willing to go off of of birth control. I am not willing to take so many risks. It makes me afraid. I'm afraid that only after we have a baby will you decide this isn't the life for you and you will choose to leave me all alone to raise our baby.

Anyway, these are real problems that aren't going to go away on their own, They are my fears and as I am writing them I worry that you are going to divorce me because the life you want (video games all day every day, DnD, no kids....) are so opposite to my desires. Anyway, a book I finished last week is called The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda by Michelle Fondin. In this book, under the section "Relationship Health," she quotes Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. In this section it reads:

There is a four step process in compassionate communication... This process is relatively simple in concept but a little trickier to put into practice. The process starts with observing what happened and communicating that observation. Observation is like a news reporter describing a scene without emotion, judgments, or inferences. The second step is to identify your feelings-- are you feeling angry, happy, sad, frustrated, elated, or stressed? Then communicate the feelings to your partner. The third step is to identify the need that is not being met: do you need peace, security, love, affecction, or appreciation? And the fourth step is to request what you want from the other person. By asking for what we need, we are more likely to receive it. I highly recommend this work because it promotes effective communication. 

So here we go...

1.  Whitney asks Orrin weekly before she leaves to church, "will you go to church with me?" Until April, this question was never necessary. During the month of April, Orrin didn't go to church at all. Since the end of April, Orrin has been going to church less than half of the time (2/5 weeks). Instead of going to church, Orrin generally stays home to play computer games, prepare for DnD games, and goes hunting/camping. Whitney leaves for church alone. At church she is asked where Orrin is. 
2. When Whitney leaves for church alone, she feels frustrated because it makes it feel like Orrin doesn't want an eternal marriage with her because he is not taking steps toward that. Whitney feels very isolated and lonely because she doesn't have family in a family ward. She has no children and no husband with her. As people ask her where Orrin is, she wants to make up excuses for him so that she doesn't feel imperfect. Going along makes her feel like a failure at the relationship. Like she could have/ should have done something different/more before it all started going down the drain. So when people ask her, it makes her want to cry and crying at church is embarrassing. 
3. The needs Whitney has which are not being met include: security that the temple covenants bring, hope that building a family is possible, time with husband especially on Sundays, spiritual connection that comes from church attendance/praying together/reading scriptures together, pure love (god centered) being the center of the relationship. feeling cared for--like what it would be like if my tears and broken heart actually mattered to you, contentness-- that I could be happy with things as they are if they lasted like that forever. 
4. I honestly don't know how to request these things. 

To be honest, this video is really thing sticking in my mind right now. I wonder will we fall deeper in love? Or will we fall out of repentance?

Anyway, it is time to go to bed right now if there is any chance of my heading to the gym in the morning and not getting a headache. I want to have hope. When you touch me and talk to me about what is on your mind that is the kind of friendship I am always longing for. I guess it is just hard when it feels like you cut off me when you cut off God. So when you choose computer games, it is like you are choosing those over me.

May 23, 2016

Dear Orrin,

Today I kicked off my attempts to serve you for 3 weeks with a fun little idea that took quite a bit of time while you were bowling. I hole punched out 200 circles (well, ovals... that is what I could find). I wrote a number on the back and a letter on the front. Then I put them all on your desk so you will have to do a puzzle to arrange the letters by number to get your message. I hope you enjoy the puzzle! I love you!

Your wife, 

Whitney

May 22, 2016

Dear Orrin,

You probably will never read this blog, but I needed to get my thoughts out one way or another. I officially became a yoga teacher 23 days ago. I will be starting my first yoga gigs in June and I got sunburned yesterday biking around to put up Yoga in the Park signs on about 50 community mailboxes nearby (so that I can start up those classes this week hopefully).

Yoga means the world to me right now and I am trying my best to live yoga the best I can. I bring this up because lately I feel blockages in my throat and heart chakras (and probably also root). A few weeks ago I finished listening to the audiobook called Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin. I can't help but remember her analogy of constantly having throat and thyroid problems even to the extent of having to have emergency surgeries. She said that when she learned about the chakras and how blockages in a chakra can cause diseases to start forming she went about the work of trying to clear her throat chakra. Ever since then, she hasn't had a single throat or thyroid problem to date.

This leads me to the conclusion that the opposite can also happen. If I feel blockages forming and I don't work on clearing them out, I am likely building myself up for future diseases. Thus, I am trying this experimental blog to try to help me clear my chakras, and especially my throat chakra, as I can speak freely here in a way I am not ready to do in person.



Orrin, we have now been married for 11 months and two days. In less than a month, we will have our first anniversary. It has been a wonderful year. Our honeymoon was phenomenal! Especially getting to see Cirque du Soleil. I will never forget the candy factory tour and biking around Denver to visit VooDoo Doughnuts and the museum. Also not being able to find a single sport climbing route in Boulder and also that great comedy show about the caveman. We started out in that tiny apartment and in less than 6 months we were able to find and purchase our own home! That is one of the achievements I am probably most proud of. I love this house and the beautiful view we have of the Sandia Mountains. We started a travel blog so that we have experience for one day when we are able to live on the road and do just travel. Remember that time I bashed up my knee trying to not kick you in the head when I was rappelling in my wedding dress for our wedding thank-you cards? I love you and cherish our adventures together.

It has also been an extremely difficult year for me. When we first got married we were cuddling in bed and you told me, "let's never get divorced, okay?" Okay, Orrin. I love you and I want that same thing.

But for the first time in our marriage, you didn't go to church for the whole month of April. As far as I knew, church was still okay up until the end of March. You didn't go at first because of that special trip to Cuba to get plumb and cherry trees. Then you went turkey hunting with Jonathan. Then suddenly there was no excuse but that Dungeons and Dragons was going to at our house earlier than normal on the 24th and so you decided to skip out on church altogether. We had had an argument in the car on the way home from the AirDance ArtSpace aerial performance "Masque Aspect" where you mocked my memory then proceeded to lock me out of your computer the next day. I was full of anger already because of those, so when all of a sudden you weren't going to church with me, I didn't know what to think. I knew we had to talk, so after DnD we did that. That was the first time you brought up divorce as if it was a real possibility.

I have been having a really tough time since then and you have been going to church, on average, every other week. Today it really hurt when I looked you in the eyes asking, "will you go to church with me?" and your immediate response was, "no." That was the first time I noticed my throat chakra locking up as I walked out to the car by myself. "Will this ever get easier?" I asked myself. I don't know if it should or shouldn't. If it get easier, that means I am going numb and thus locking up my heart chakra too. If it doesn't get any easier, my heart chakra will suffer as well as the fear coming out blocking my root chakra as my childhood saying, "you broke my heart" becomes a weekly reality for me.



Orrin, maybe I shouldn't have agreed to marry you until you were ready to take me to the temple. A temple marriage is all I've ever wanted with my true love. Years ago I made this cross stitch of the Idaho Falls temple, the one where my parents got sealed together.

On the back of the frame, this is what I signed this very week 12 years ago:

So what was I thinking when I agreed to marry you outside the temple? To be honest, I was pretty sure that within a year you'd be prepared to go to the temple with me. Though you weren't ready at that time, I though that you were heading in the right direction for preparing for the temple. I said that if "God is Love," then he couldn't punish me for wanting to pursue love. Finally, I had a spiritual experience with me patriarchal blessing. The only thing my blessing says about my husband is this: 

I bless you that you will have the ability to discern. Through this in the decisions you will make when it will be the appropriate time, you will be able to find a mate and he will be worthy to take you to the house of the Lord. There, as you kneel across the altar, sister, you will be joined together for time and eternity, that your children and your children's children may enjoy the blessings of the covenant of Abraham in their lives to know and have the truths of the gospel expounded to them, that they may be diligent and faithful in the covenants that are there for them to enjoy. 

It clearly says that I will be sealed with my husband and that he will be worthy to take me to the house of the Lord. I know that. But I had an experience while pondering this when I felt a new emphasis on the word "will." Previously, I had always read it that my husband would be worthy of the temple therefore I would be married in the temple. But in that instant, I felt it was okay to marry you, Orrin, because the spirit was telling me that you will be prepared and you WILL become worthy. I just have to have patience and help you get there.

Now all I feel is your anger every time you talk about God. You are mad because you call him a murderer in killing all the people on the earth during the great flood. You also say that all he does is give ultimatums to us humans. At first I wanted to encourage these gospel discussions. But I am learning that I am not super confident in my own energy, so I take on your negative energy in these conversations. I feel that many women take on the energy of others because we believe if we take on the energy then we can help to heal it and then both parties are better for the interaction. However, in this case, it takes me days sometimes to finally clear and heal myself of the negative energy. When I do feel better again, I assume that I have healed the energy for you as well, so I start up another gospel conversation and the negative energy seems twice as strong as it was before. It is an exhausting process.

Orrin, the dinner we had last night at Chile's with Josh and Jessica was the worst feeling yet. I am amazed at Josh's ability to enjoy arguing with you about God. But you seem to be filling only with more anger the more you repeat your side. I was also really hurt now that you are talking against me in public. You said, "you have the same problem Whitney has... you both have selective memory loss." That really hurt. I felt so alone walking to the theater afterward seeing how Josh held Jessica's hand and will always defend her in arguments... and there I was walking quietly all by myself.

I don't know how to heal you. All I know is that a marriage is between 3 individuals: You, Me, and God. It is a triangle and the way it is supposed to work is that all three of us get so close together over time that we eventually become one and the same. You are trying to sever your connection with God as you float further away from him. That leaves me like a bead on a string in a condition where I can either go toward you or toward God. I am trying to heal your connection with God, but you are doing almost no work and God hasn't yet sent you the sign you are asking for.

So now that divorce is on your mind, will our marriage last? I honestly don't know. I'd say we have about a 50-50 chance. Can I live with you if you never become fully active again? Perhaps. I do believe that God will never hold any promised blessings back from those who lived worthy of them. That means that if you don't want to be sealed to me in the temple and you aren't comfortable living in God's presence in the celestial kingdom, God may give me a different husband to be my king.

I guess the reason I'm starting this blog is to get these words out of me so that this story isn't blocking my ability to become everything I've ever wanted to be. Also, I hope to make it a challenge to help record the process to eventual success in marrying you in the temple to be a source of hope for others. But maybe this experiment will end in failure. I meant my promise to you "till death do us part," but maybe you will still ask for a divorce. I don't really know at this point. Maybe in writing the story I will be given inspiration of what I can do to breathe life into our marriage again and to help bring your unto God again.

The last few things I wish to mention in my letter to you today are a few things I learned which I needed to hear at church today and also one goal I have for the next few weeks.

1) Charles Warfield gave an amazing talk in church today. The big thing I take from it is the story of how his mom brought him unto Christ. He said that when he was growing up his mom would ask him, "Charles, are you going with me to church today?" He would come up with some excuse like homework, band practice, etc. She would do a long look at him, eventually smile, and then proceed to say, "one day you're going to realize you need Him" and then she would leave for church. Perhaps this will be part of my ritual with you on Sunday mornings, Orrin. I can smile and then say "one day you are going to realize you need Him."

2) In Sunday School today we were talking about the story of Alma the Younger. Mosiah 27:14 really stuck up to me. Here is what it says (with some words changed slightly to liken it unto me):

And again, the angel said: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, [Whitney], who is thy [wife]; for [s]he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.

That scripture really stuck out to me because I have been praying that you can get the answer to your questions. I feel like though you lack faith (that God is good, that you don't know everything, and that your question will get answered), you do have real intent in that if you get an answer, you will immediately make a change in your life to live according to what you have learned. I know that you have real intent because that is exactly what happened when the spirit told you that you should marry me. Anyway, This is the prayer I am praying every day, that you can be brought to the knowledge of the truth one way or another. That is why this scripture sticks out to me. I am going to write it on a post-it and put it on the bathroom mirror to help me keep up the faith. As long as I have faith and hope, I can remain optimistic and keep going.

3) For the next 21 days, I am going to try to focus on doing services for you. I feel like if I really am supposed to heal the connection between you and God, how am I supposed to help you realize that God really is love if you aren't feeling love coming from me? Also, why would you even want to be sealed to me if I am just miserable, cold, and depressed toward you because of your crisis of faith? I don't feel like I should have to try to make you stay in love with me, but if you do love me, I want you to think to yourself, "wow, I really am lucky to have such a great wife." That is what eternal marriage should be like. A mini goal of mine is for you to look at me like you used to when I would get home from work. You used to say, "my wife!" and that made me feel so special. I am hoping maybe I can create a situation in which you will want to greet me like you used to. I do realize that I'm not actually sure what your love language is. The 5 of them are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, and physical touch. As I try to do these services, I will try to incorporate variations of all 5 of them. Maybe in doing this I will learn which of these is closest to you anyways.

Well that pretty much sums up all the thoughts floating around in my head right now, so hopefully getting them written down will help me be able to sleep tonight because I won't be trying to form the perfect sentences to explain to myself how I feel. I don't know how often I will write. This blog is a tool for me to focus my thoughts, motivate myself, and help clear out bad energy. So I will write whenever I need to. I'm kind of feeling a sense of energy in the challenge I have to myself to try to get you to want to be sealed to me. We will see how this goes.

Wish me luck,

Your wife, Whitney